you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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