need another drink. this is the easiest way
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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