im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
