Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
