Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Randomize
