When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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