you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
