Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
