first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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