he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
