Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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