9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
