Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
soo... how was my night?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
