She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
