Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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