I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
