you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
