his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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