Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
