My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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