all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
bring money and cleavage
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
