whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
