The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
