She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
