I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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