problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
