Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
