She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
