remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
