I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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