I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
