Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
