Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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