I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
