i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
