...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
