Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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