i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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