She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
