Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize