I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
