I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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