you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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