dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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