he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
