my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
