Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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