So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Can I color on your dick again?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
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