my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
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