We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
