we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
