I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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