my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize