So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize