would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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