just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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