I swear god or herbie drove my car home
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
