As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
