We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
