i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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