upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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